Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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