That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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