i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
