That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize