It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
