I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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