OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize