I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
