Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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