Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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