Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize