So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
