i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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