You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
