This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
