So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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