she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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