I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
