Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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