I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize