I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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