I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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