Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
