hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
