You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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