And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
