You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
