dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
