6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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