nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Randomize
