I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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