if i can run in heels then i can drive
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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