I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
