If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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