i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
