Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
