I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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