I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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