just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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