I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Randomize
