you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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