Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize