We won't sleep together?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
