And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
