Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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