Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
