Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
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