so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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