I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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