Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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