I'm eating all of the evidence.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
