There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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