i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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