I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
cat food counts as protein by the way
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
