Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
