you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
