Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
